I read the last words and burst into tears. The verse at the end shot straight to a tender place in my heart: “I heard a voice out of Heaven saying ‘Write this: Blessed are those who die in the Master from now on; how blessed to die that way!’ ‘Yes,’ says the Spirit, ‘and blessed rest from their hard, hard work. None of what they’ve done is wasted; God blesses them for it all in the end.’” Revelation 14:13, The Message
I reached for my journal to try to make sense of my tears by letting the emotions spill out on paper. And, I think that I cried because, at the root of my striving is a fear of being unloved, not enough, a disappointment. I’m afraid I worked too hard but it was a pointless effort – chaff instead of wheat, a waste rather than something worthy of a blessing.
And, even as I penned the words, I felt the Spirit whispering comfort to my soul, revealing the lies for what they are. My identity is a woman loved faithfully by God and because of Jesus in me, I am enough. I am always enough because He is enough. Because of His work I am free, fruitful, fearfully and wonderfully made, and faithfully, fiercely loved.
So, I asked the Lord to show me where these fears, doubts and lies originated, and He answered. He reminded me that part of the way He made me is to feel deeply responsible. And there was a day, when I was 14, when I sat in a seminar and a man told me that God would hold me responsible for every word, every action, every thought, every attitude, and every motive. He set before me an impossible standard. A grace-less system. And, right then and there, I embraced the responsibility.
I’m always grateful when the Lord shows me the seed of something, because it’s helpful, I think to go back to the emotion of that moment and ask for specific healing. I want the lies ripped up and out, roots and all. So, when He reminded me of this particular moment, I asked Him to heal the wounds with the balm of His truth. And, you know what popped into my head in the next moment?
“Jesus paid it all; all to Him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain; He washed it white as snow.”
Impeccable timing! Thanks be to God that I don’t have to carry the weight of that responsibility any more. Have you ever noticed that the worst lies are often those closest to the truth? No matter how responsible I try to be, I can never meet the standard of God’s perfect righteousness. Thank God I don’t have to! Jesus rescued me, and I choose the grace of “It is finished.” Songs like this inspire gratefulness for the scars that remind me of His amazing grace: